Monday, February 24, 2014

"Asterix in Canada"...


The TV that talks about aliens and expect you to believe it is History television and the winged man from across the sea is Asterix, a little can of historical whoop ass created by two frenchmen, Goscinny and Uderzo. Our little Gaul from times where France was occupied by the Romans never misses an occasion to knock no less than Julius Ceasar down a notch with the help of his magic potion that gives him superhuman strenght. History gets turned around on its head in that cartoon; Twentieth century colonial powers suddenly become underdogs resisting an empire and Paris itself gets brought back to the time when it was a village.

Goscinny and Uderzo's Gaul is just a part of a whole fictionnal Ancient World where characters have roman names that end in -us, gaulic names that end in -ix and germanic names that end in -ic. Speech bubbles with different fonts render different languages in a very imaginative way. The duo made their little guy travel around the World, even into places that were not known at the time (cartoon history is like cartoon physics). There was Asterix in Britain, Asterix in Belguim, Asterix in Switzerland, Asterix in India...

...but the closest Asterix got to Canada was Asterix and the Great Crossing where, ouf for fish, Asterix and Obelix pull a pre-columbian transatlantic contact and and up in what can be theorized to be Newfoundland (because the vikings happen to drop by at the same time!). The natives that Asterix meet there are more or less of a blend of all the natives ever shown in westerns. Pretty un-politically correct by today's standards, even for a "gros nez"-style cartoon where everyone is parodied but I'll give Goscinny and Uderzo credit here; they were drawing this all the way from Europe, they have an excuse for ignorance that we, canadians don't have on people that live right near us.

I like to imagine the Asterix treatment fully applied to Canada, make those fictionnal natives a blend of their past and modern canadian culture, with names that end in -a (like Donnaconna), who play hockey, (the vikings are in town, here comes another 3-0 gold medal!), like maple syrup and speak with a Quebec accent, but rendered in one of those "exotic" fonts...

Hold on, there! With all that's been said and done with native culture that thing could be seen as insultive. I'm not saying that thing should be drawn tomorrow, by anyone, or ever. The World is not ready for it. But the reason I brought it up is because our native canadians are still there and are much closer to us than the Gauls are to modern France and yet while the french say "Our ancestors, the Gauls", canadian kids still learn in school that everything canadian, all of their roots and history came with Champlain's ship in 1604. Yeah, we are taught a little bit about the natives in history school, almost by guilt. That was not Canada, yet, that was just the people before us...

And yet, look at all the canadian stuff that comes directly from the natives or was heavily inspired by them, from hockey, to maple syrup, to snowshoes to the animals on our coins! Even our multiculturalism is closer to their system of tribes than european nation-sates and any canadian who can say he does not have one drop of native blood is either a fresh immigrant or pretty stupid. In some areas of New-Brunswick, the line between "white" and "native" is pretty blurried; you can literally go speak to someone with very aboriginal-like face and get an answer with an Acadian accent that puts La Sagouine to shame. Yet, we are told that Canada is that thing that grew on top of native culture, an european transplant to this continent but culturally and even genetically (if that means something) things are not all native and white. There's a lot of in-between that was just ignored. All that apartheid-like regime of reserves and status cards seems suddenly pretty random (on top of being inhumane), measuring and separating and "managing" something that's pretty hard to define.

Really, what does separate us from the natives that doesn't separate Asterix from modern France after all? What is an identity? What is a country? Language, so dear to Quebec separatists? Not only did Asterix not speak the same language as modern french people, their language comes from Gaul's invaders. Asterix didn't have the same religion as modern France either (historically, the "eldest daughter of the Catholic church" by Toutatis!). Racially, France saw a few invasions of its own (Vikings, Franks, Huns, Visigoths, and that's just the biggest ones, the latest one was called World War II and our two cartoonists were there to see it.) and yet they don't consider it the radical, complete anihilation of a national entity and its replacement by another, but an evolution, a continuum rather than two distinct things, one without a future and one without a past.

What is a country? Is it a government?

A government is there to pretend to be the State, the nation and yet between ethnicity, religion and language, it is possibly the thing that changes the most often. Between Asterix and modern France, Gaul had romans, a right handful of merovingians kings, a left handful of carolingian kings, 16 Louis'es, two Napoleons and five republics. The dynasty of monsieur l'État c'est moi ("I am the State") lost its head in 1789 and yet that country never stopped considering itself France.

I never knew Julius Cesar, but I know from Asterix that he was a tougher S.O.B than Harper and yet he too screamed "You too, my son!" one day. The tar sands industry will have its moment like that, good riddance! People who want power over the World and have so little power over themselves come and go. They are overthrown, outsmarted or bascically commit slow suicide by ambition but nations go on forever, no matter what is thrown at them. What Canada is now, all that is unique to us, our very national soul no matter our skin color was already there at the dawn of time, way before Cartier set foot here and "gave" it its name. It will also be there long after the mining companies, the oil companies, capitalism itself, the RCMP and the parliament buildings will have lost all meaning, perhaps punchlines in the cartoons of the future, like Ceasar.

Those assholes are stealing, hijacking our identity as a nation the same way the king of France said "I am the State". Hey, Canada, that's us, the people, not politicians or capitalists! To say otherwise is to surrender something sacred to those thugs and when aboriginal culture is in danger, it is fully Canada's culture that is in danger, not an obscure precursor of it.

In the meantime, that artificial division between two kinds of canadians, "settlers" and "natives", is buying them some serious time...

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Help, our winters get manic-depressive!


I tried to make some kind of olympic-themed cartoon stunt with Pilcher, some kind of bet, but turns out that the UK is not powerful at winter olympics as I thought...it confirms my theory: even though the Stanley cup is named after a british lord, you have to look elsewhere in our cultural family tree to find our northern edge and before Bombardier invented the snowmobile, the first canadians had sled dogs!

Little did I know, the UK, through Scotland, is a power at curling.

Nature gets back at monctonians for building their downtown and suburb on marshland. Whenever it gets milder (like 10 degrees above freezing point, sometimes) or worse, when there is rain and the snow melts, some of our biggest streets get flooded! That's not bad if you have an SUV (I still hate the things, though!) but if you're a pedestrian, your feet are wet all the time.

And if the weather suddenly decides to get subarctic again, watch the icy sidewalks if you don't want to become a human curling stone.

A Quebec poet said "My country is not a country, it's winter." I think the Russians can say that, not sure about us. Winter saved their butts from Napoleon and Hitler! Ours gave us a pretty unusual disaster in 1998 when half the country's electric grid failed under inches and inches of ice. Between James Bay (or Manicouagan, or Churchill Falls) hydro dams where the electricity is produced and Montreal where it is consumed, you could fit a few european countries or US states. All of that is just wires waiting for some snow.
I hate shovels, I hate winter coats and Sooky's paws hate driveway salt yet you don't know what you got until it's global-warmed into oblivion. If the other Arctic giant had comrade winter, here there is both a discovery that this despised season is at the core of who we are as a nation and we know it gets moodier than usual  because of how the white man is behaving at the moment. There is a sense that we are wasting a treasure here and since the Vancouver games, we've rediscovered interest in winter along with aboriginal culture. I just hope it lasts.

After all, canadian winter, it's folk music, camps, maple syrup, saturday night hockey, lumberjacks, fireplaces and old stories, red and black plaid coats, fur traders, the boreal forest, Tim Hortons...

Mon entrée, ce n'est pas une entrée, c'est l'hiver!


Si un aréna de hockey québecois c'est un peu un terrain de soccer français qu'on aurait laissé gelé (en plus petit), le curling, c'est la pétanque sur glace. Ça a un peut la même réputation d'être un jeu de vieux et c'est ce que les américains nous montrent en train de jouer pour montrer à quel point on est plates (et quand on veut les montrer comme ennuyeux, on les montre en train de jouer au baseball!).

Le nature a des drôles de façons de se venger des monctoniens d'avoir bâti leur centre ville sur un marais. Quand il fait du redoux l'hiver ou, pire encore, qu'il pleut, nos rues se remplissent d'eau. Rien pour énerver quelqu'un qui a un 4x4 ou même une auto mais quand on est à pied on a soit les pieds mouillés ou quand ça gèle, après, vaut mieux faire attention ou on marche si on veut pas finir en "boule" de curling humaine!

Monday, February 10, 2014

À chacun sa coupe Stanley, on est tous des guerriers!




   Comme dirait Marc Messier dans les Boys, le mental, les gars, le MENTAL! Ça fait longtemps que les deux solitudes du hockey nous ont pas ramenés de coupe Stanley mais les Rouges nous remènent des médailles! Si y peuvent nous ramener l'or à Sotchi et en plus contre les Russes, on va manger d'la poutine à la santé du Staline à cinq cennes qui s'promène torse nu dans le Kremlin!

Sortez la friteuse!

Chaque soir c'est le grand soir
On a mérité la victiore
La coupe est pleine
On va la boire
On est tous des Maurice Richard!











Sochi and the Cold, cold war.


I love the ads that Tim Hortons and Coca Cola made for this, but capitalist giants shouldn't do all the cheering. My birthday is not until july, but if you wish me anything for this month, wish me a Canada vs. Russia hockey final! 

In 2002, the team who made the rink at the Salt Lake City games hid a "toonie" (two dollar-coin) under the ice as a lucky charm for the canadian hockey team and it won gold in men's hockey for the first time in 50 years. It triggered a culture of olympic lucky charms so to beat Russia, Sooky hides his lucky toonie under his favourite fast food, namesake of Russia's current shirtless, LGBT-hating, autoritarian Stalin wanabee. There was the series everyone remembers, in 1972, between Canada and the USSR (Canada won!) but even though we gotta get our solitudes and general s#it together before taking on someone like Russia and I know very well that the cold war has been over for decades, I think Canada is bound to have some kind of rivalry either on ice or economically with Russia. We're just too similar! There can only one most badass northern nation out there and the the two countries are already at it for control of the Arctic.




Russia, Canada, US, Norway and Denmark are at it. Call it the Cold, cold war.


Frisettes de Courval, our little french poodle, usually cheers for "Les Bleus" (France's soccer team) but since France is about as good at hockey as Canada is good at soccer, she now has hockey "Rouges" to complete her soccer "Bleus". Buzz has a catnip leaf on his flag. Hey, some humans have a pot leaf! I just noticed, though. I drew Mimi without her prescious, unseparable purse! Come to think about it, did I get Sidney Crosby's nuimber right? I know for sure that the two solitudes of Hockey, the legendary english-canadian Toronto Maple Leafs and legendary french-canadian Montreal Canadiens have not won the Stanley Cup since 1967 and 1993 respectively. For more info on what those two teams came to mean for the two cultures, I suggest one of the cutest things ever animated about hockey...




Sunday, February 2, 2014

Notice to Greater Moncton



Notice

-To the city of Moncton, ville de Dieppe and Codiac Transit-

That spot or Main/Champlain street, east of the Hall's Creek bridge, is the coldest spot in the Maritimes to take the bus! In downtown Moncton, tall buildings shelter you from the winds and yet you can find one of those glass shelters at every street corner. East of downtown, between the sub-zero-but-not-frozen-because-it's-moving Petitcodiac river and the interminable parking lots of Champlain malls, people are fully exposed to the wind and yet there's none of those little shelters in sight! Whenever your next bus shelter upgrade take place, how about putting one there, uh?

Come to think about it, there are shelters in Dieppe in front of Staples and Art Shack...I can't complain, they thought about my precious, precious pencils and pens!